


Dinner Dates in Middle Earth

by TheSleepyPotatoChip



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Dates, Comedy, Dinner, Dinner dates, Elves, F/M, First Dates, Hobbiton, Hobbits, Humor, Laketown, Lothlórien, My First AO3 Post, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSleepyPotatoChip/pseuds/TheSleepyPotatoChip
Summary: Awkward blind dates in Middle EarthEp 1 Thranduil (completed)Ep 2 Azog (in progress)I was watching the British tv-series Dinner Date and couldn’t help wondering what it would look like in Middle Earth :D English is not my mother tongue and this is my first fanfic that I post here, so please don’t take me to Isengard :O





	1. Chapter 1

(Cheesy & cheerful female voice) _This is Dinner Date, the show where people, elves, hobbits, dwarves, dragons, orcs and creatures of all kinds of shapes and sizes hope to find true love through their love of good food. One lucky middle-earthling will be getting the chance to find romance and enjoy three very special meals cooked for them by three just as special blind dates._

_Today’s dinner date is no other than the King of Mirkwood who kindly accepted our invitation (after he first declined, we threatened to invite his son instead and make him meet sexy dwarf ladies)_

_Thank you very much for being here today!_  
Oh, please do not thank me. I might end up changing my mind about this.

 _Would you like to introduce yourself to the viewers?_  
I am Thranduil, King of the Woodland Realm. If you haven’t heard of me, you should probably go back to school (smirk)

 _(hahaha..) Tell me, how have you been doing after the battle of the five armies and most importantly, how is Mr. Elk??_  
I’m doing fantastic, thank you. My elk was quite badly wounded during the battle but as we elves are gifted healers, he’s fully recovered now and we are both back to business.

 _There couldn’t be better news! And how does the King battle in his kitchen?_  
I have servants who cook for me. Well, when my son Legolas was a child he used to have bad nightmares, so I made him hot berry soup with cinnamon and honey to calm him down. We pretended the berries were precious gems. Does that count as cooking?

 _Let’s count that in! And now to the question our viewers have been waiting for: What kind of lady turns the Elvenking’s heart into blackberry jelly?_  
People who know me say I’m unbearably picky, but I myself don’t see anything wrong with that. After the last war, however, I have started to wonder whether I should try to be a little more open minded about getting to know people outside my own race. Like my son is doing, for instance. Lately he seems quite interested in…dwarves. Overcoming prejudices is a little harder for the older generation, I must say, but I will try my best.

_Let’s get started then!_

_He is going to be given five menus each put together by a potential blind date. The five women behind the menus have all come up with a three-course meal, but Thranduil will only be having dinner with three of them. He’ll choose his dates based on the menu he most likes the look of._

(Thranduil gets seated with five menus in front of him)

Thranduil: I truly hope I don’t have to regret this. Well let us see. (grabs the first menu on the table)

 **Menu 1**  
Superb salmon salad  
Cod stew made in Heaven  
“The Only Mountain” berry sorbet you wanna eat

Thranduil: Not bad. I don’t usually consume animal products, but some tasty salmon now and then gives the palate something to think about. And the berries are definitely a plus. But let’s take a look at menu number 2...

 **Menu 2**  
Marinated pony carcass and chips  
Boiled pig ears with--

Thranduil: What is this sick humour?? Are you trying to hook me up with an orc or some pony-eating troll?! Take this out of my sight.. NOW! There’s plenty of space in my dungeons for such insolent creatures like you. You have been warned!

_Oh my, oh my! The King is starting to feel a little hot! Let’s see if the following menus can ease his temper._

(Thranduil grabs menu number three with an annoyed expression on his face)

 **Menu 3**  
Sunny stuffed bell peppers to start your adventure  
Heart-warming sweet potato  & mushroom cannelloni with home-grown herbs  
Such sinful chocolate cake it will turn you into Sauron

Thranduil: Quite a simple menu but it seems like honest home cooking. I’m not sure about the chocolate cake however. She either has a crazy sense of humour or is a wizard obsessed with the Necromancer. Could be Mithrandir in disguise. I’ve always had the feeling that he and Saruman cross-dress in private. I have seen many things during my long life but I could definitely live without the pleasure of that vision. But, let us see the next menu.

 **Menu 4**  
Royal lentil bread with creamy cashew cheese dip  
Wasabi pea powder encrusted tofu steaks with sauteed baby bok choy  
Flambéed figs with fruity “nice cream”

Thranduil: Well this seems like my kind of menu! It seems to be completely vegan and I think this lady could be an elf. This menu is definitely at the top of my list. But, let’s still look at the last menu.

 **Menu 5**  
“Nacho typical woman” chips coated with plenty of fried bacon and melted cheddar cheese  
Ribs  & Chips in good old ale sauce that’ll make ya sing & dance all night  
Surprise pudding ;)

(Thranduil looks at the menu in shock and tries to compose himself before speaking)

Thranduil: Did you actually check these menus before giving them to me?? This is clearly madness! How could I ever enjoy such a barbaric meal? This must be a dwarf, there is no other explanation to all this grease and animal flesh. And what on middle earth is “surprise pudding” supposed to mean? Did she sprinkle her facial hairs on it so that they get stuck between my teeth when I eat it ? That is absolutely… Excuse me, I feel sick.

(An assistant rushes to get him a glass of water. He sips some of the content and lets out a grumpy sigh)

Thranduil: I choose the three menus that I hated the least. Just let me get out of here, I need fresh air.

_Our fiery King then ends up choosing menus 1, 3 and 4. Soon we’ll see who’s behind those mouth-watering three-course meals!_

_We’ll come back after a short break._  
_Stay tuned to discover who makes the best blind date for the King of Smirkwood!_

***


	2. Chapter 2

_Welcome back to Dinner Date! The show that brings middle-earthlings together by a romantic and delicious meal._

_It’s the following day and we are ready to take Thranduil to meet his first blind date. He’s already comfortably seated in the carriage and looks as dashing as ever. Let’s ask him how he’s feeling!_

Thranduil: I don’t have any expectations, really. I just hope I won’t be terribly bored. Thank goodness we elves are immortal, I cannot even imagine how mortals can waste their short lives on long and dull dates.

_While the oh-so-cheeky Thranduil is on his way to meet the first date, let’s get to know the lady in question!_

_The woman behind Menu 1 is Kirstid, a 45-year old Laketowner and proud single mother of five children. Tell us something about yourself Kirstid! How do you cope with pots and pans?_

(Camera zooms in a lady with rosy cheeks and wavy hair. She gives a hearty eye-smile and waves at the viewers in a slightly nervous manner)

Kirstid: Oh I love cooking for my kids. They’re always hungry, they are, but I’d still have energy to cook for another hungry mouth (giggles)

_And what kind of man would light up the fireplace in her heart?_

Kirstid: A tall, handy man who knows how to be romantic as well. It’d be nice if he had kids too.

 

_Well Thranduil sure is ticking a lot of boxes!_

 

_Kirstid starts preparing dinner by making her salmon salad and moves on to cutting veggies and boiling water for the stew._

Kirstid: Oh dear bollocks, I forgot to buy cod! (covers mouth in nervous laughter) Do you think he’s gonna notice if I use game instead of fish?

_Well Kirstid, there are not many things elf eyes can’t see. Hurry up, your dinner date will be here soon!_

_She prepares her creative sorbet with ice and berries and tops the glorious dessert mountain with shredded chocolate and a red cherry. Now she still has a few moments to make herself pretty before her guest arrives._

(There’s a knock on the door)

Kirstid: Oh, he’s here!! (rushes to open the door)

Kirstid: Well hello there, welcome! Come on in, dear.

(Thranduil steps in crown-less, wearing a beautiful grey robe)

Thranduil: Delighted to make your acquaintance. I am Thranduil. Here’s a little gift from my realm. It’s Mirkwood wine.

Kirstid: Th…..an...uil?

Thranduil: Thranduil.

Kirstid: Trandail.

Thranduil: Thraaaan-duuuuu-iiiiil.

Kirstid: Oh I’ll just call you Thran, if you don’t mind (giggles). I’m Kirstid. Thanks for the wine, love. I tell you what, let’s try it with the food. Are you hungry?

Thranduil: Indeed I am.

(She goes back to the kitchen to finish the starter and gestures to her guest to make himself at home)

Kirstid: Oh please sit down, Tranny, and make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a second with the first course! (hums a cheerful tune)

_While Kirstid is in full action with her salmon salad, let’s ask what our two blind dates think about each other so far._

 

Kirstid: (smiles at the camera while holding a huge knife) Oh he’s so handsome! I didn’t think my guest would be an elf. But I’m not unhappy about that, he’s so tall too. And he’s immortal so I cannot kill him with my food (snort)

Thranduil: (hisses quietly at the camera) Did she just call me Tranny? Bless her pure soul, she probably has no idea what it means. Unless her entertainment for tonight is a certain wizard popping out of a disco ball. Anyway, she is not exactly my usual type but she seems like a sweet and charming lady.

_Kirstid is ready with her superb salmon salad and the two can finally start getting to know each other while munching away._

Kirstid: So tell me Tran, do you have any kids?  
Thranduil: I have a son.  
Kirstid: Oh do ya? That’s lovely! How old is he?  
Thranduil: He is 2861 this year.  
Kirstid: Goodness!  
Thranduil: He is all grown up now and decided to leave home to become independent. What else can a father say than wish him luck.  
Kirstid: Well I’ve got five kids. You probably already noticed that as they keep running around the house like a tornado. More wine?  
Thranduil: Yes, please. You have.. errr.. an elegant shack.  
Kirstid: Oh thank you. That’s a lovely thing to say. (slaps Thranduil softly on the arm) My late husband’s brother built it. My husband was a lazy ass man. So are you divorced or a widower?  
Thranduil: I’m a widower. Elves do not divorce. It is not part of our culture.  
Kirstid: Oh really? Well, my husband was always here next to me and one day he just.. wasn’t. I think the dragon ate him when Laketown was attacked.  
Thranduil: That’s very unfortunate. I am sorry to hear that.  
Kirstid: (lets out a loud snort) Don’t waste your energy on that and just taste my stew, dear.

_Hmmmm… Seems like the conversation is getting wings! Kirstid now serves her stew but will the Elvenking notice the little change in it?_

Kirstid: Here you go, love. Real Esgaroth-style stew. (smiles)  
Thranduil: (Examines the content of his plate with a wooden spoon). This doesn’t look like fish.  
Kirstid: Oh I forgot to buy cod so I used some lovely meat the lads brought back from their hunting trip the other day.  
Thranduil: Hunting? What is this animal you are trying to feed me, woman?!  
Kirstid: Errr.. I’m not sure, really. I think it’s that big animal with antlers.  
(Thranduil lets go of his spoon and turns even paler than usual)  
Kirstid: Are you alright, dear?  
Thranduil: I’ll... just… enjoy the carrots in the stew.  
Kirstid: That’s alright! You don’t have to eat everything if your belly feels like erupting.

_Uh oh, the conversation seems to have hit its head against the Iron gates! Let’s see if Kirstid’s flattering and berry sorbet can ease the growing awkwardness._

Kirstid: When I saw you at the door, the first thing that came to my mind was “he’s got such lovely hair!”  
Thranduil: Thank you.  
Kirstid: How do you keep it so smooth and silky ?  
Thranduil: It just is like that naturally. Such an annoying answer, isn’t it? (smirk)  
Kirstid: Well we Laketowners have to use all kinds of oils but we still look like wargs. How do you like the sorbet?  
Thranduil: It’s the best out of the three courses. Very tasty.  
Kirstid: Phheww, that’s great to hear. I picked the berries in the--  
Tranduil: Your child is drinking the wine!  
Kirstid: What?  
Thranduil: Your little son is gulping the wine I brou-. Nevermind (gets up and swiftly separates the toddler from the bottle)  
Kirstid: Oh goodness gracious, my kids are so much like my late husband. (laughter)

 

(The child is surprised to be in the arms of the Elvenking and looks at him with big wide eyes and slowly chews on his hair)  
Thranduil: No wine for you yet, sonny. When you have grown up, you can come to Mirkwood and I’ll teach you a few party tricks. What do you say of that?  
(The child smiles wide and points at his one tooth)  
Thranduil: I meant a little more grown up. (chuckles)

 

_All three courses have vanished into the stomachs of the two blind dates and it’s time to say cheerio!_

Thranduil: Thank you for the dinner.  
Kirstid: Oh you are very welcome, dear. Have a safe journey back home. Bye-bye.

_Time to ask what they thought of each other!_

Thranduil: Well.. she’s a charming lady in her own way. The dessert was excellent and as different as we may be in character, our life situations are somehow similar. Even if she tried to feed me elk meat, I think it wasn’t an utterly horrible night. I almost wasn’t bored.

Kirstid: Such an elegant man! (screams without sound). Did you see how well he treated my little Bern? Oh he’d make a lovely dad to my kids. I can only hope he will come back to my doorstep on Saturday.

_Well the date night with Kirstid sure went well... but who will Thranduil want to see for seconds at the end of the week?_

_Tomorrow is another day and time for another delicious dinner date! Who is the mysterious lady behind menu number 2? That will be revealed after a short black speech-free ad break. Stay tuned!_

***


	3. Chapter 3

 

_Another day, another dinner date!_

 

_It’s time to reveal the lady behind menu number 2. She is Donnamira, a 31-year old architect from Hobbiton. Donnamira, please tell us something about yourself!_

 

(Camera shows a hobbit girl with wavy hair and a playful smile)

 

Hi everyone, I’m Donnamira but everybody calls me Do. I design hobbit holes for a living and I do some garden designing as well. Well actually anything creative is what makes my heart beat faster. I also really love birthday parties, I attend each one here in Hobbiton, sometimes I don’t even know whose party it is but I just enjoy the food, the music, the dancing. Simple hobbit life I would say. Oh and I really love cake. Can’t forget to mention cake.

 

_And with what kind of man is Donnamira willing to share her cake?_

Someone normal would be nice for a change (snort).But seriously speaking, the boys in Hobbiton are quite old-fashioned, many of them are more interested in a girl’s cooking skills than encouraging her to follow her dreams and create a successful career. I like guys who are sweet and laid-back, and it is a must that we can have a good laugh together. I must say tall guys frighten me a little bit. Not that we have many of those in this part of the world..

 

_Uh-oh, doesn’t sound too much like our royal date! But maybe her cooking will heat things up. So how does our hobbit cope with culinary designs?_

 

I don’t have that much time for cooking nowadays as I’m always either working on house designs or lying butt up in someone’s garden planting seeds. I really hope I don’t mess up tonight and set the house on fire or something of the kind. Hobbit holes are highly flammable (cringe).

 

_Well if that were to happen, you can just design a new one! (fake laughter) Let’s then leave Do start her dinner cooking and let’s find out what Thranduil the ForeverBored is expecting from his second date!_

 

Thranduil: I have never been to the Shire before. I’m actually a little worried. I might step on someone by accident. That would be an unfortunate turn of events. (looks quietly to the camera and smirks).

 

_Going back to Donnamira’s kitchen, we see her starting with the chocolate cake. Are you feeling "sinful" already?_

 

Donnamira: I just realized I cannot find the recipe. It was on my desk yesterday but now it seems to have grown legs. I guess I’ll just have to eyeball all the measurements (wide cringe). Oh I knew I was going to make mistakes. That’s why I chose to bake a chocolate dessert. Add chocolate to anything and it’ll taste delicious!

 

_Cheers, I’ll keep that in mind and take a few chocolate bars with me next time I’m invited to one of Elrond’s Lettuce Parties. After finishing the batter, Donnamira puts the cake into the oven and moves on to preparing the stuffing for her bell peppers and cannelloni._

 

Donnamira: Not many people outside the Shire know these dishes. They are authentic hobbit creations so I’m proud to offer them tonight. Both dishes are so tasty I wouldn’t be surprised if they became a hit all over Middle Earth. Maybe people will still love them thousands of years from now!

 

_Well we’ll soon see how an Elven mouth reacts to them. Hurry up, Donnamira, your dinner guest is almost here!_

 

Donnamira: Goodness, I didn’t notice the time. I’ll just put the cannelloni in the oven and pray for the best. Gosh, I forgot the cake is still in the oven! (rushes to get the cake out) Dear me, the top is a little burnt. But that’s alright, isn’t it? I just need to cut off the top layer and hide it with chocolate. Yes, that’s an amazing idea. I will do exactly that.

 

_Our designer hobbit still has a few moments to make herself pretty before she hears a determined knock on her round door._

 

Donnamira: Aaaaaand he’s here! (gallops towards the door, stumbles on a carpet, gets up, opens the door and sees someone’s crotch and chest covered in a dark robe). Hello there, good evening! Donnamira at your service. I mean.. welcome to my home! You can call me Do.

 

(Thranduil ducks and enters the house slightly bent over)

 

Thranduil: Hello (smirks after seeing Donnamira’s surprised face). I am Thranduil.

Donnamira: Oh wow. I mean.. Delighted to make your acquaintance! Please take a seat so your neck doesn’t cramp.

 

(Thranduil gets seated around a small dinner table and looks at the sunset through a round window. Donnamira brings two glasses)

 

Thranduil: This is my first time in this part of the world. It looks much more pleasing than I expected. Charming green hills.

Donnamira: Oh? I’m happy to hear it. Is this your first time to meet our kind as well?

Thranduil: No, I’ve had the pleasure of crossing paths with a halfling who.. let’s say, made my blood boil with anger and but also made me admire his character. Oh by the way, I brought you a little gift from my home, it’s Mirkwood wine.

Donnamira: Thank you very much! I got get the starter then, you must be hungry after a long journey.

 

_Now is a good moment to ask them what they think of each other!_

 

Donnamira: Well never in my wildest dreams did I imagine an elf would come to my house. He is obviously very good-looking (blushes faintly) but his eyes are so piercing they make me shiver. I don’t know how politically correct it is to call us halflings but he hasn’t been around here before so I forgive him for that. Now I will serve the bell peppers and.. oh no. I guess shouldn’t have stuffed them before putting them in the oven. It’s all mushy now.

 

Thranduil: She’s a very cute young lady but she seems a little nervous. I cannot say more for now.

 

(Donnamira serves the starter but stumbles and almost drops Thranduil’s plate in his lap)

 

Thranduil: Careful, girl!

Donnamira: Oh I’m so sorry! Thank goodness I caught it (embarrassed laughter)

 

(Thranduil tastes the starter, stops chewing for a moment but continues to eat without saying a word)

 

Donnamira: More wine?

Thranduil: Yes, please. Let me pour you more wine too.

Donnamira: Oh, thank you, It’s excellent wine but I really shouldn’t drink more. I’ve gotten drunk once in my life at a birthday party and I started to kiss everybody. Awful.

Thranduil: Oh, is that so? (slowly pours wine to her glass while giving her a cheeky smile)

(Donnamira becomes red like a tomato)

Donnamira: Errr... I think.. I had better go finish the main course (gets up and wobbles to the kitchen)

 

_My my, the fireplace is not the only thing that’s making the temperature rise in the room! Donnamira now serves the main course which will hopefully please the royal guest more than her timid starter. Let’s get saucy!_

 

Donnamira: Here you are, Hobbiton cannelloni. I hope you like it.

Thranduil: Thank you.

Donnamira: So tell me something about yourself, Thranduil. What are your passions in life?

(Thranduil stops for a moment to think)

Thranduil: That’s a good question… Since I became king, I don’t think I have had any hobbies. My only passion is to be king, I guess. Well I do love fine clothes, high quality wine and of course precious gems.

Donnamira: (low whistle) Me too, I say that every day.

Thranduil: What about you?

Donnamira: Oh I love many things. For example, I like collecting jokes.

Thranduil: You do understand that now you have to tell me one.

Donnamira: Sure I can. Hmmmm… ok I got one. Why was Gandalf unhappy at work?

Thranduil: Tell me.

Donnamira: He couldn’t find his staff.

 

(Thranduil buries his face in his hands)

Thranduil: That is so bad…

Donnamira: Oh I think you may be right. “Why was Gandalf unhappy at work? He couldn’t find his staff”. Yeah, it’s not really funny the second time either.

(Thranduil is starting to crack up but manages to keep his composure)

Donnamira: Do you have any elf jokes for my collection?

Thranduil: Well… I cannot remember the last time I told a joke. Must have been in the First Age when I was a young lad. Ummm.. fine, I remember one. But I must warn you it’s many thousands of years old.

Donnamira: Even better!

Thranduil: Very well. What did the dwarf say when I asked him for a coin?

(Donnamira looks at Thranduil expectantly)

Thranduil: I’m a little short.

Donnamira: Nooo, goodness, it’s even worse than mine! (laughter)

 

_Neither of them is the Galadriel of jokes, but the cannellonis are doing their job!_

 

Thranduil: This is excellent.

Donnamira: I’m relieved.

Thranduil: What else do you do in life, other than collecting “jokes”?

Donnamira: I’m an architect. I’m actually the only female hobbit hole designer in Hobbiton. We are still so old-fashioned here in the Shire.

Thranduil: You would love living among elves then. In our culture males and females are given equal rights and opportunities.

Donnamira: That’s wonderful. Oh and actually I’m building myself my new home under another hill. It will be ready in a few weeks, if everything goes well.

Thranduil: Sounds very interesting.

Donnamira: You should definitely visit my hole. It’s very warm and nice in there. The entrance might be a little tight, but I can make it bigger for you.

 

(Thranduil stops eating and looks at Donnamira quietly, giving her a little cheeky smile. Donnamira's eyes suddenly widen and her cheeks turn redder than the wine in their glasses)

 

_It’s time for the dessert! Let’s find out if the king can feel the aftertaste of yummy charcoal._

 

(Donnamira glazes the cake with melted chocolate and finishes everything with a rain of sprinkles)

 

Donnamira: (whispers) Oh no, what is happening? The chocolate sauce is so thin it doesn’t stay on top of the cake. It’s all dripping onto the table. And the cake is absorbing the sauce like a sponge! Help.

 

_There’s no time to get another cake I’m afraid. The Elvenking is already in the dining room waiting to be turned into Sauron._

 

Donnamira: Errrr.. I must confess I kind of messed up the cake. Do you still want to try it?

Thranduil: It won’t kill me.

Donnamira: I wouldn’t be too sure about it...

 

(Carries the dessert on a tray to the dining room but it’s slippery so she drops the whole cake on the table and partly on the floor)

 

Thranduil: Girl, you are disaster!!

Donnamira: I’m so sorry. I’m mortified!

 

(For Donnamira’s great surprise, Thranduil starts to laugh, long and heartily)

 

Thranduil: (not able to stop laughing) I think.. we don’t even need spoons. (takes some cake with his hands)

(Donnamira looks at him bewildered and doesn’t come up with anything else than laughing with him)

 

Thranduil: We are eating.. burnt cake.. from a wooden table.. with our bare hands (bursts into laughter again) This is the weirdest dinner I have ever had!

 

_After the curious dessert, it’s time to thank the host and head back to the homely lands!_

 

Thranduil: Thank you for your hospitality.

Donnamira: No, thank you for coming. Would you like to take some of the cake with you?

(Thranduil looks at her startled)

Donnamira: I’m just joking.

Thranduil: Unfortunately I have to decline your kind offer (chuckles).

 

_The two blind dates wish each other a good night and the Elvenking returns home in his luxurious carriage. It’s the perfect moment to ask them what they thought of each other!_

 

Donnamira: He is nicer than I thought he would be, I expected him to be very serious. There’s something special about his character that makes me like him. He seems like a mystery box and I do fancy a good mystery. So yes, I did like him very much (smiles shyly).

 

Thranduil: I don’t know where to start. It was the most horrible dinner I have ever eaten in my whole long life but she clearly put all her effort into it. I do appreciate that. She’s a warm hearted girl. And I even had fun.

 

_The food might have been orc-level but the two seemed to get along well! But who will Thranduil want to see for seconds at the end of the week?_

  
_Tomorrow is another day and time for a third dinner date! Who is the mysterious lady behind menu number 3? That will be revealed after a short break. Stay tuned!_

 

_***_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations from Elvish at the end of the chapter

_Welcome back to Dinner Date, the show where middle earthlings hope to find true love over a delicious meal!_

 

_It’s another day and time to take Thranduil the CheekyChum to a final dinner date!_

 

_Who is the mysterious lady behind menu number 3? She is Írwen, a 2894-year old healer from Lothlórien. Tell us something about yourself, Írwen!_

 

(Camera zooms in a young elf maiden with long golden hair and elegant accessories)

 

My name is Írwen, I’m a healer but I’m also specialized in skin and hair treatments. If your body needs a little beauty check up, come to Lothlórien, I’ll be waiting for you (laughter)

 

_She clearly knows how to make things pretty, but what about creating beauty in the kitchen? How do you cope with food palettes and pastry brushes, Írwen? Do you crack eggs with zero hands?_

 

I’m sorry but I’m a strict vegan and you cannot find eggs in my home!

 

_Oh, apologies! How do you cope with… eggless eggs?_

 

I’m actually also a trained cook so.. I think I manage pretty well in the kitchen.

 

_Excellent! And with what kind of man would she share her eggless delicacies?_

 

A tall, handsome, intelligent man is my ideal type. If he has long, dark hair, it’s even better. I’d hope he’d be interested in beauty and fashion as well or at least have a deep respect for my profession as a healer.

 

_Well, seems like we are bringing a nearly perfect man to her doorstep! While she starts preparing her “nice cream”, let’s go ask Thranduil what he is thinking about the upcoming dinner date._

 

Thranduil: I am quite pleased to visit Lothlórien again, it’s been a while. Last time I was here when Legolas was still very young. I remember how amazed he was to see trees covered with golden leaves even in the winter. Mirkwood is up in the north so the nature is more rough and wild there.

 

_And what expectations does the majestic Elvenking have of his final date?_

 

The food on the menu looked good and considering what I had to eat yesterday, it cannot get worse than that. At least I hope so, as I’m very hungry after a long journey. Lothlórien is famous for its exquisite fruits and vegetables that we don’t find in our part of the world.

 

_Let’s go back to Írwen’s kitchen and see how her cheese dip is doing. There’s not much time left before your dinner guest is here!_

 

This is cashew “cheese” dip. It’s not real cheese because cheese is made of milk and as a vegan I utterly disapprove of the consump--

 

_Aha! Did you just say “udderly”? That’s not very vegan of you (laughter). Our elf maiden still has a few moments to make herself pretty before--_

 

I’m already pretty!

 

_\-- to make herself even prettiER than she already is IF that is possible in any way.. meaning that she doesn’t necessarily NEED to make herself pretty.. oh crumbs, can I just quit my job? Just kidding, there’s no time for quitting jobs or finishing the makeup, our dinner guest is here!_

 

(Thranduil knocks on the door. Írwen glides with light footsteps to let the guest in)

 

Írwen: Aldol!

Thranduil: Mae g'ovannen!

Írwen: Ohh.. pedil edhellen?

Thranduil: Naw. Pedin edhellen. I’m an elf like you. I am King Thranduil of the Woodland Realm.

Írwen: What a great honour! Please come inside my humble home, hîr vuin. My name is Írwen.

Thranduil: It’s a beautiful name.

Írwen: It means “sexual desire” (slowly closes the door while looking at Thranduil)

Thranduil: Oh, right. I brought you a little gift from my kingdom. It’s Mirkwood wine.

Írwen: Thank you very much. It must be sweet like Mirkwood men.

 

_Oh come on Írwen, now you are being very “cheesy” and that’s not good for a vegan! (fake laughter)_

 

(Írwen gets two wine glasses and proposes a toast)

 

Írwen: To Mirkwood.

Thranduil: And Lothlorien.

 

_After drinking wine, Írwen vanishes to the kitchen to finish the starter so now is a perfect moment to ask what they think of each other so far!_

 

Írwen: The King of Mirkwood is in my home?? On a date with me?? Írwen, you can’t mess up now (breathes deeply to calm herself)

 

Thranduil: She is definitely very pretty and takes good care of herself. And she is well-mannered as well. Tonight’s date seems very promising.

 

(Írwen comes back with her lentil bread and fake cheese dip and the two get seated around a big dinner table. Írwen lights up two candles)

 

Írwen: How do you like it?

Thranduil: It’s excellent, just as I thought it would be.

Írwen: (smiles) I’m very glad to hear it. Though I’m sure your other dinner hosts made much tastier food.

Thranduil: Not at all. This is just the starter but I can already see that you cook very well.

Írwen: And what do you think about Lothlórien?

Thranduil: It must be one of the most beautiful places in Middle Earth. The magic is almost touchable. I came on a royal visit here with my son Legolas when he was younger, if you were already born during that time maybe you can remember it.

Írwen: I’m afraid I don’t. Would you like some more bread?

Thranduil: No thank you. I’d prefer to leave some space for the main course.

Írwen: Very well. I go get it then.

 

(Írwen goes back to the kitchen to prepare the tofu steaks)

 

Írwen: Oh this is so stressful. I really want him to like me. But I’m already out of topics. I hope he likes the steaks at least.

 

_Do not worry Írwen, any Elven topic should be good! Just as long as it’s vegan._

 

Írwen: Here you are, wasabi pea powder encrusted tofu steaks with sauteed baby bok choy.

Thranduil: Wonderful, it looks very tasty.

Írwen: So my lord, what kind of ladies do you usually like?

Thranduil: It’s hard to say, I’ve seen many kinds of beauty in my life. But there are some ladies that capture your attention in an almost magical way. What about you?

Írwen: First of all, I prefer blonde guys over men with dark hair. And he should be manly, confident and maybe even a little arrogant.

Thranduil: (chuckles) I think I might know someone like that..

Írwen: Me too (smiles and winks)

 

_After the main course has vanished into the stomachs of the two elegant elves, it’s time for the dessert! Írwen has a special plan for it._

 

Írwen: Come with me to the garden, we can enjoy the dessert there (takes Thranduil’s hand and leads him to the garden)

Thranduil: Should I be worried? (chuckles)

(Írwen laughs)

Írwen: Just a little bit.

 

(She leads the king to a lush garden facing a forest of silver trees with green and golden leaves. A choir of elves is standing in front of them and starts to sing sweet Elven melodies)

Thranduil: Beautiful!

Írwen: We can listen to the music while enjoying the nice cream. Here you are (gives an ice cream bowl to Thranduil)

Thranduil: After a terrible war, this is medicine to my soul (sighs).

Írwen: I’m happy to hear it. Would you like a massage with your nice cream?

Thranduil: Well..

Írwen: I’m a professional massage therapist.

Thranduil: In that case, I cannot refuse.

Írwen: Where would you like me to massage you? (smiles)

 

(Thranduil stops eating for a moment, looks at her and then lifts his legs up on her lap while continuing to watch the choir)

Írwen: Oh… (looks at the dark boots with a disappointed face. Reluctantly starts to undo his shoelaces)

Thranduil: No. The ankles (makes a scratching motion with his hand)

(Írwen slowly starts to scratch his ankle)

Írwen: Good?

Thranduil: Hmm.. what? Ah, yes. Very good. The singers are very talented! You should introduce them to me, they could teach a few Lothlórien songs to my people.

 

_All three courses and a massage have been enjoyed and it’s time to go back to the murky lands!_

 

Thranduil: Thank you for the excellent dinner.

Írwen: The pleasure is all mine, my lord. Na lû e-govaned.

Thranduil: Novaer.

 

_Time to ask what they thought of each other!_

 

Írwen: I cannot imagine a wealthier, powerful or more good-looking man to knock on my door so yes, he’s a 10/10.

 

Thranduil: The food was top level, she is very pretty and the dinner location was fantastic as well so all in all it was a very pleasant dinner experience. She is quite pushy and naive but that must be due to her young age. I must say I had a great evening. I was only slightly bored.

 

_The date with Írwen sure went well but who will Thranduil want to see for seconds? That will be revealed after a short massage-free commercial break. Stay tuned!_

 

***

 

Translations:

 

_Aldol! = welcome_

_Mae g'ovannen! = Well met_

_Pedil edhellen? do you speak Elvish?_

_Pedin edhellen = i speak Elvish_

_Naw = yes_

_Hîr vuin = my lord_

_Na lû e-govaned 'wîn = until we next meet_

_Novaer = goodbye_

 

_source: http://www.realelvish.net/101_sindarin.html_

 


	5. Chapter 5

_ Welcome back to Dinner Date, the show where Middle-earthlings hope to find true love over a delicious meal! Our guest, the fabulously fabulous King Thranduil, has met all three blind dates and it’s finally time to hear the verdict. Who does the sassy ruler want to go on a second date with? _

 

Thranduil: I think my mind had been made up since the beginning. Even though I hoped to become more curious about other races I must say I feel most at home with people of my own culture. However…

 

_ However?? This needs drumrolls (drumrolls start to play in the background) _

 

Thranduil: However, I had a vivid dream last night... I saw something of the past, something I had forgotten.

 

_ We beg you King Thranduil, the viewers are about to explode if you do not tell us.. now! _

 

Thranduil: In my dream I went back to the moment when Legolas and I travelled to Lothlórien. It was a long time ago, quite soon after my poor wife had passed away... and in the grief my mind had erased the details of our journey. I do remember now a teenage girl, older than Legolas, who mocked him because he didn’t have a mother. Legolas ran to me crying and he cried in my arms until he fell asleep. I don’t know how I could forget his agony and pain in that moment, a part of my heart died that day (sighs and spends a moment to recollect himself).

I do remember now who the girl was (speaks with confidence again). It was the elf lady I had dinner with. I won’t even bother mentioning her name. It goes without saying that I won’t be appearing anywhere near her door, ever again. In fact, I have told Celeborn to keep an eye on her.

 

_ Well done, my King! That’s the way to go! Burn the witch at the stake!! _

 

Thranduil: Another curious thing happened while I was travelling to Lorien from the Shire. We passed a town called Bree and met someone we never thought of meeting….

 

_ This is getting more exciting than sunbathing with Gollum! Please do go on! _

 

Thranduil: I asked one of my servants to get us some refreshments from the town inn called Pony-Something-I-Don’t-Care, where he heard a man boasting about faking his own death and running away from his wife and five children. I was informed about this and could sense that this encounter was not a coincidence. You should have seen how quiet the whole place went when I entered the inn and headed straight towards the man. I told him that his wife Ignes was waiting for him at home. He told me mockingly that he doesn’t know any Ignes, his wife was called Kirstid! His brain must be smaller than his little toe (sigh). So I lifted him up and carried him out while he kicked and yelled furiously. Such barbaric manners.

 

_ Well this is a plot twist if I ever saw one!! _

 

Thranduil: We took him back to Kirstid and well… somehow I pitied him after seeing how absolutely furious his wife was. If I’m not mistaken, she seemed to chase him with something rather sharp. I would almost prefer to face the dragon, to be honest (chuckles).

 

_ This must be the first time since Sauron had a haircut on his fingers that I’m lost for words! Looks like there is only one lady left. Is it time for a second romantic trip to Hobbiton then? _

 

Thranduil: Seems like it.

 

_ Stay tuned to find out what thrilling surprises the Elvenking has for his final date! Will our designer hobbit set the whole town on fire? ... don't change the channel you naughty human and you will find it out after a short commercial by our sponsor "Organic Lembas".  _

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Welcome back to Dinner Date, the show that unites middle-earthlings through their love of good food! It is time to take our King Thranduil on his second date to Hobbiton. How are you feeling about returning to the land of hairy feet?_

 

Thranduil: As long as I don't have to eat anything, I may survive. Let's hope she doesn't feel as destructive today. Otherwise I might need to tie her hands... (smirk)

 

_In the meanwhile, Donnamira is waiting at home wondering whether the oh-so-alluring Elvenking is about to knock on her door a second time!_

 

Donnamira: I must confess I’m a little nervous, though perhaps I should not be nervous at all. The dinner was a total disaster, so I shouldn't expect much (shrugs shoulders). But I asked my eldest cousin to join us later just in case, he is very interested in meeting Thranduil.

 

_The more the merrier! But what our Donnamira doesn’t know, is that the King will soon arrive on her doorstep with a date invitation. Will there be more sparkles between them, or will the only sparkles be caused by the hobbit's culinary designs? Donnamira, don't set any Elven bodypart on fire tonight! (fake laughter)_

 

(Donnamira looks out of the window and her jaw drops)

Donnamira: Wh… wha… what is that? That.. creature. It’s massive!!

 

_Donnamira... We know he’s a big man but to call him a creature? tsk tsk._

 

(Thranduil rides his elk towards Donnamira’s home, followed by a few elven servants. Donnamira stares at the company in awe. After a moment she rushes to open the door. She sees a familiar crotch)

Donnamira: Welcome, welcome! Very welcome to Hobbiton again, Thranduil. (She motions to hug him but sees it's impossible without him bending down so she gives a quick hug to his left leg)

Thranduil: We meet again, miss Do (bows and smiles at her awkwardly after experiencing his first leg hug).

Donnamira: Huh, how amazing you chose me after the disastrous dinner. It must have been my hilarious jokes (sarcastic tone). But I'm... very happy to see you (blushes a little). I'm going to prepare you a delicious dinner!!

Thranduil: (looks shocked) NO. Wait a moment!! Today is my turn to take you out. So this is what I want to ask you: Would you like to go on a date with me?

Donnamira: Ohhh yes! I mean.. (gets embarrassed by her own excitement) I'd be happy to accept.

Thranduil: Very well. I saw you have a cozy looking inn by the river, we can enjoy our evening there.

Donnamira: The Green Dragon is truly legendary. I'd be honoured to visit it with you. Our best inn. Actually.. it's the only one.. but they have wine! I'm sure you'll like it.

(Thranduil looks pleased at hearing the word "wine" and his servants nod approvingly)

 

_Looks like our dates have a ready plan for tonight! Get your popcorn out human and let's see if the second date promises fiery flirting between the two curious dates._

(Thranduil walks across a bridge to the Green Dragon with Donnamira, servants following them, while all inhabitants of Hobbiton are spying on the weird guest from windows and gardens. The two dates enter the inn and are greeted by the owner)

Owner: Welcome to the Green Dragon! A pint for the pretty ladies?

(Donnamira panicks but luckily Thranduil is distracted by wine barrels)

Thranduil: (talks to his servants) Seems decent enough.

Donnamira: (looks at Thranduil and suddenly notices how beautiful his profile and masculine features are) This place is excellent for love making.

(Realizes what she just said)

Donnamira: Merrymaking! I meant merrymaking!!! (blushes deeply and wobbles towards the counter when she hears someone whisper at her. It's her neighbour holding a huge pint)

Neighbour: Pssst. Donnamira, who is she?

Donnamira: He, HE! (sighs and walks away)

 (Thranduil talks to the owner and then addresses all the hobbits in the Green Dragon)

Thranduil: My dear little folk! In the honour of visiting your town, the drinks are on me tonight! 

(Cheering)

Thranduil: Music, dancing and barrels of wine!

(More cheering)

Thranduil: A swimming pool of beer!

(Loud cheering)

Thranduil: Let's do it Mirkwood style tonight. Who's with me?

(Really loud cheering)

 (The hobbits gather around Thranduil and start dancing to lively violin and flute music. Wine and beer are passed from person to person)

  _Our King sure knows how to make an alcoholic hobbit happy but does he know how to handle a pair of hairy female legs? Thranduil, go take care of your date!_

(Thranduil goes to Donnamira and gives her a half empty pint of beer)

Donnamira: (looks at the pint) Did your arm cramp while pouring me a drink?

Thranduil: It's just in case. Because there's only one mouth for you to kiss (chuckles)

(Donnamira gasps and kicks him in the shin playfully. But she kicks a little too hard and Thranduil lets out a cry)

  _Donnamira, don't try to test our Elvenking's immortality! We need him alive until the end of the show_!

Thranduil: This means revenge!

(Donnamira doesn't have time to think before she is lifted up and finds herself at face level with the King, holding his hand in a dance position, her legs hanging in the air. She slowly folds her tiny legs around him and they start dancing at a calm, elegant pace)

Thranduil: I cannot believe this actually works.. and so effortlessly.

(Both start cracking up)

_To Mordor with prejudices! The evening is going very smoothly... but alas! Someone is looking for the King._

 

(A young hobbit enters the inn and approaches Thranduil)

Hobbit: Excuse me, your tallness.

Hobbit2: (slaps the young hobbit) It's "highness".

Hobbit: Oh? Did someone introduce him to our pipe weed already?

Drunk hobbit: Can't yeh shee it's an angel? You 'ave to call it "your holiness".

Hobbit: Ta! I owe you a pint, Pongo. (walks to Thranduil)

Hobbit: Excuse me, your hoeness.

(The young hobbit tries to tap Thranduil on the back but can't reach so he taps him on the butt)

Hobbit: Sir, there's someone to meet you outside.

Thranduil: Who is it?

Hobbit: It's Gandalf, sir.

Thranduil: OH HELL NO. Tell him I'm not here. Actually, tell him I sailed to Valinor.

(A voice is heard from outside)

Gandalf: I can hear you, Thranduil! And your elk just informed me of your location. You should train it better if you wish to keep your privacy. Please come outside, I need to have a word with you, it's of utmost importance.

(Thranduil walks slowly to the door where he sees a troubled looking wizard)

Thranduil: (tries his best to be polite) Is something wrong, Mithrandir? Or are you here to join our party? In that case you are most welcome. Just don't wear... anything weird.

Gandalf: (looks at the elf slightly bewildered) I'm surprised to find you here but I'm very glad I did. You must know that our enemy has not been idle after the last battle. A new powerful dark force is lurking in the East and we must investigate it mor-

Thranduil: Can this really not wait for one day? Why don't you consult your golden boy Elrond about this? 

Gandalf: I am going to. But I want to be sure that all our allies are ready to face the Necromancer once again when the time comes. Middle Earth will be destroyed, my friend. Death and destruction are-

(Thranduil slams the door closed)

Thranduil: Pfffffft. Party pooper...

Gandalf: (speaks from behind the door) THRANDUIL OROPHERION! I must say I would have expected more mature behavior from a great king like you! Your father would be ashamed.

(Donnamira joins the Elvenking and wonders what is happening. Thranduil feels guilty after hearing his father's name and opens the door again)

Gandalf: Thank you, my friend. You must listen to me. There is a ring...

Donnamira: (interrupts the conversation) Excuse me, but... isn't it a bit early for rings? He and I just met a few days ago.

(Gandalf looks even more confused)

Thranduil: You know, Miss Do, this wizard here gallops around Middle Earth telling everyone that my people and I are less wise and more dangerous than other elves.

Donnamira: And.. are you?

(Thranduil looks at Gandalf who is about to say something)

Thranduil: Yes (slams door again)

 (Crowd cheers)

  _My, my! I haven't seen such chaos since Thorin Oakenshield's coming-of-age party. I still carry the scars of that weekend. Oh, seems like someone else is here to find our King!_

 

(A gentle voice behind Thranduil): I can see that not much has changed after the events that lead us all together. And I find it quite amusing.

Thranduil: (turns around). Mr. Baggins!

Donnamira: This is my eldest cousin, Bilbo Baggins. He was looking forward to meeting you.

Thranduil: (bows deep) Our paths cross again. I greet you, friend of the elves.

(Both stay silent for a moment and think of everything they experienced at war)

Bilbo: Well I had better go check on Gandalf. He's a bit prone to sulking when things don't go his way.

 

_A fun night has been enjoyed and a wizard has been successfully offended but unfortunately it's time to return to the homely lands! And--- wait a moment dear viewers, Gandalf is back in the game and is joining the hobbits on the dance floor! That's the way to go, no time for depression in Hobbiton!_

Thranduil: (grabs Donnamira's tiny hand and leads her outside) Let's go look at the stars before I have to go.

(They lie on the grass, looking at the black starry sky and Gandalf's fireworks. Donnamira places a shy kiss on Thranduil's cheek and he returns it with a bigger smooch)

Donnamira: I have a little gift for you, but you have to promise me you'll only open it when you reach home.

Thranduil: I feel like I should be worried (chuckles). I think I like that. Thank you, miss Do.

 

_The eventful night is finally over and our King has to travel back to his woody kingdom. Will the two dates want to meet again? Will there be more romance? Thank you for watching Dinner dates, the show that unites middle-earthlings through their love of good food!_

_Who is the next mysterious guest going to be? I'll meet you in our second episode, stay tuned!_

_***_

_One month later_

Thranduil and Donnamira are slowly getting to know each other. He's having more fun than in ages

Donnamira gifted Thranduil a beautiful hand carved bottle opener and the recipe for her Sauron chocolate cake

Gandalf is still looking for Thranduil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's a Middle Earth character you want to see going on blind dates, leave a comment below!


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